Discover The Keys To Empathetic Listening
Years ago, I went from eating a great meal with friends to the ER in half an hour.
Our friends Dan and Becky were accompanying my wife, Sharon, and I to dinner at a lovely Mexican restaurant in Dallas. As Becky and Dan recounted a horrible, physically devastating accident they’d been in, I started feeling awful. “Awful” quickly moved to horrible as my body and head were pounding and aching. We rushed to the emergency room, fearful I was having a heart attack.
Turns out I was having sympathy pains. Of course there’s a fancier name for it, but I was experiencing their memories in such a real and intense manner that I manifested the pain in my own body! After they learned that I wasn’t in grave health, Dan & Becky visited me in the ER and entered the room laughing. They were thankful for my empathy, of course, but found the profound impact on me amusing.
After decades of experience in ministry and life (and making plenty of mistakes along the way), I have learned to listen with my heart. I have learned to hear what others are experiencing in a way that I actually feel it.
How different would the world look if we all worked to build this muscle of empathetic listening?
Empathetic listening occurs when we enter into another person's experience and connect with it in such a way that we actually, to some degree, have a similar encounter. Empathy comes from two Greek words, meaning “in” and “feeling.” It's as if you are in the feeling of another: entering into their pain and feeling what they feel.
This is especially true as we “entertain strangers” and embrace the truth that some of us are having encounters in this world that others cannot even imagine.
These “strangers” can be someone whose background, worldview, or lifestyle may seem unusual or different; someone who is from a different nation of origin or race or ethnicity; someone from a different social, economic or educational status, or someone with different political views.
With such different stories to tell, how will we empathize?
Author Stephen Covey very famously said that we must seek to understand before we seek to be understood. In the gospel of Matthew, Jesus spoke to a crowd and said listen and try to understand. Sometimes we listen, but we don't understand. On another occasion, Jesus said someone might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn to Him. And then he said: I will heal them.
Turning to Him begins at understanding with our hearts. Only then will true healing come. To begin understanding with our hearts, we must look discomfort right in the face.
As I was awaiting the OJ Simpson verdict in the 90’s, I happened to be listening to the reports alongside an African-American friend. When the decision was announced, I responded to the verdict the way most white people did (according to the polls): believing he was guilty. My friend responded the way most Black people did (again, according to the polls): relieved the jury found him innocent. It was clear we were on opposite sides. And yet instead of letting the space divide us, we used it to open a dialogue.
Our subsequent discussion was a turning point in my life. It wasn’t about being right or changing each other’s minds. He opened up to me, patiently taking the time to explain what it was like to be a Black man in America—an experience to which I could not relate. He recounted his experiences and perspective, and there was a life-changing moment where my heart was able to recognize and feel how much I truly didn’t know—and yet needed to learn—about the Black experience in this country.
I believe the reason I was able to hear him and feel a bit of his pain is because he suspended judgement while he spoke and openly shared his perspective. That, combined with my efforts to listen empathetically, resulted in genuine understanding and the beginning of healing.
If we’re going to invite honest conversations, then we have to agree to set aside judgement and hear people. There must be an agreement—a level of trust—between the individuals, knowing we are speaking to be understood and listening to understand.
In his book Integrity, Dr. Henry Cloud explains that one of the Hebrew words translated “trust” in the Old Testament means to be careless. In other words, you do not have to worry about how to take care of yourself with that person because he will be concerned about you, too. You do not have to watch your back with this person because he will be watching it for you.
If we're really going to talk about difficult and controversial issues, we need to be able to speak to one another “carelessly;” we need to speak without fear of being judged. We need to trust each other.
The truth is that many of us are frightened to have hard conversations. We are afraid of the kinds of conversations that will instigate true changes of the heart. We are afraid of saying the wrong thing, or saying it the wrong way. Perhaps our language or thoughts will be offensive to someone else.
Because, guess what? We will offend. We will misunderstand. We must overlook each other’s ignorance about things that are important to us in order to help each other grow. We must be “careless,” watching the back of others and knowing they’re watching ours, too.
This week, I challenge you to enter into a conversation with a stranger, someone with a different point of view. Simply ask the other person about their experience in this world, especially under the current conditions.
Entertain a stranger.
Listen carelessly.
Turn your heart.